This was me. No, seriously, that is actually a photo of me from 2009, one that was sent out to friends and family in Christmas cards. Although the photo was SUPPOSED to be tongue in cheek, it really wasn’t.  That’s not a costume, I’m wearing a dress and apron that I wore a lot.

In those days, dresses, skirts and high heel shoes were my uniform. I also wore my hair like that too and my nails were always done. I was a pastor’s wife, professional opera singer and perfectionist who was playing a role, a role I had created. I was playing it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I made it look as if I had it all together and I made everything look perfect.

I taught voice lessons and directed children’s shows to raise money for charities, I baked 20 pies each year for the Church Annual dinner and directed the church choir I threw tea parties for the little girls in the church. I was quite the housekeeper and had a huge garden of which I canned and preserved tons of vegetables and fruits each year. I made mini appetizers and tiny delicate desserts that were so darn cute. I was Martha Stewart extraordinaire, but without the staff. I was stuck in a life that did not resemble who I truly am. Underneath the surface of perfectly made canapés and teeny tiny cream puffs was someone who did not value her own self worth. I was miserable, I was anxious, I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t even know who I really was. I had made myself to look and behave the way others wanted me to so that they would love me. I had created a life of pleasing others and being what others wanted me to be to an extreme.

For people who know me now, they can’t imagine me like that. I’ve had many people tell me that they can’t imagine me not being true to myself and being something I am not. In a relatively short period of time, I dismantled my former life and peeled back the layers of years of pain to reveal a life of joy, purpose and authenticity. It was challenging but so worth it. When I look at that photo now, I still get startled. I mean… Who is that?!!! Donna Reed?!! But I do look at it regularly even though it is difficult, to ask myself if there are any parts of me I’m hiding from the world, anything I’m not accepting about myself or anything I’m doing because I “should” do it.

I still catch myself getting dressed some mornings thinking about who I will see that day and if they will like what I’m wearing. I stop, I breathe and then I ask the 8 year inside me, “what do YOU want to wear today. It may seem trivial, but those types of subtle catches are what keep me in my own integrity.

How many things are you doing in your life that are “shoulds”? Are any of those things to get approval of others, or make someone love you? Are there subtle things you do to “keep the peace” with friends or family?

For me, it is a slippery slope, little things add up and erode my sense of self. Try it with something small-the next time you’re going to someone’s house or to a family gathering, ask the 8 year old you what they want to wear and see how it feels…

What are the things you leave behind of yourself in your life? Are there places you feel stuck? Is there anything under the surface that you don’t look at, avoid, or dismiss? Are there moments where you know you aren’t being true to yourself? Are there things that you wish you could do but never let yourself try or do?

Creating a life of authenticity and developing a relationship with yourself are some of the most important things a person could do but it usually involves pissing people off, rocking the boat and making several big life changes. For me, I really had no choice. I got to the point where it felt like life or death for me to start over and discover myself. Now I preach the gospel of self discovery. I don’t want anyone to have to go through their life like I did for the first 40 years. We are all on this journey of life together and it is through sharing our own experiences that we can all challenge, support, and help each other. That’s the purpose of this blog. Stay tuned for more thoughts.